Garbage Portents- a zine

Garbage Portents Zine- my newest completed zine project!

After my ‘Omens‘ show was over I decided I wanted to commemorate assembling that body of work by creating a zine. I thought it would be a nice was to condense the show, almost like an exhibition catalogue but if it were made by a raccoon. I have been ‘self-publishing’ (if you can call it that) zines for many years as part of my work with Cannibal Cubs. I like the DIY nature of making a zine, I usually assemble, copy and bind them myself. Skills! I have access to a photocopier at my job (I am building up to a post about artists and jobs, brace yourselves), so I have a low cost way of disseminating my printed works. I typically price them between £5-£7 so they aren’t too much of a bank-buster for the reader either, one of my own favourite things about zines and why I have so many myself!

‘Kitsune’ zine made for Cannibal Cubs.

I’ve had some zines printed professionally in the past, which is nice and the method I would always choose for a photography zine (photocopiers don’t do justice to colour photos imo), but for many of my projects I can get away with a VERY lo-fi approach and finish. I think I enjoy the tactility of a handmade zine, seeing the photocopier roller marks, the imperfections in the print. I’ve always enjoyed gathering other artist’s zines and some of my favourites are the most lo-fi ones. Sometimes you have an idea, or a collection of things that just need to be out in the world, and it’s a great low budget way to do it.

‘Bygone’ zine by myself and the artist Mary Butterworth for a show of the same title.

With Cannibal Cubs we used our zines as a moodboard for collections of our other handmade items, such as prints and wearables. They were often just replicas of sketchbooks we created from the germ of an idea- sometimes just a phrase or a theme we run with. The zines are quite chaotic but there is always some semblance of cohesion- I promise.

A layout ‘plan’ for a Cannibal Cubs Zine.

For the ‘Omens’ zine I wanted to try something I had been slowly building on for previous CC zines- including pieces of text written by me. I suppose it would be correct to call them poems. I had been writing short pieces during the period when I was creating the visual works for the show, so I felt like the poems worked naturally alongside the collages.

I used to write a lot of poetry when I was younger- I remember once having a poem published in one of those compendiums you pay to be a part of (!) I was probably twelve and the book had the most hideous cover. Thankfully there isn’t much evidence of this mini-poet so we can all rest easy.

I came back to writing text pieces around the time I worked on my series ‘Some Re-assemblage required’ where I produced a photographic zine at the end of the project (this one was professionally printed as I had some funding- neat!). I was really excited by the idea of incorporating text into my work. I think it was something I felt I couldn’t really do with the work I was making at the time. I would agree that my ‘Corvid Eyes’ style collage work would struggle with the inclusion of text without it being really twee, but my more experimental photographic pieces/digital works were certainly more welcoming of the inclusion of text.

‘Some Re-Assemblage Required’ zine (2019)

I think this step back towards my own creative writing was around the time I was beginning to read more, and particularly reading more poetry. I found lots of authors whose work spoke to me in a way I hadn’t encountered before, and it was apparent that I didn’t have to adhere to a particular format, or pentameter, to write something- at that point it didn’t even need to be good, just something. The poets I discovered at this point were, amongst others, Maggie Nelson and Melissa Broder (we’ve covered my fangirling previously…). I think I had erroneously built poetry up in my mind as something I didn’t do any more, something I wasn’t interested in, something that just wasn’t for me. Wrong!

I mostly write in the evenings, often right before I go to sleep. I sometimes get a rush of ideas when I am trying to wind down, and I keep a notebook handy for this purpose. Sometimes it felt like the writing was a sort of purge, and I was able to sleep better afterwards, like finishing a crossword (no? just me?) or writing a list so your conscious mind can rest. I sometimes felt like when I was writing I was in that flow state I mention so frequently, not quite out-of-body, but just feeling more in-between than present. I have to be in a state where I am neither self conscious or critical, that can come later, I just need to write the words down as they ‘appear’ to me. If that sounds too airy-fairy, it’s basically just a state where the busyness of my mind is briefly veiled, or fully uncorked, and I can just write.

Summer evening set up with books (note- poetry books! who is she?), bed and my view- the sort of time I like to write when I can!

I wouldn’t describe this process as ‘automatic writing‘ as such, but I do believe in the influence of the subconscious in art making. When I was created the visual works for ‘Omens’ I took pains to follow my instincts- if an image ‘spoke’ to me I would include it, and would let my mind wander for other potential associations, for images to actively seek out for the works. Sometimes it can be easy to fool yourself into believing you’re doing things ‘automatically’ but I try to be fluid and not overanalyse my own patterns of thinking while I work (again I can do that later, and oh boy do I).

The creation of the zine was relatively straightforward. I typed up all the poems I wanted to include, and set about creating a suitable running order, pairing works with images that, in my mind, made sense. I tried not to get too bogged down in this, as I kept reminding myself- it’s my zine, I can make as many versions as I like! One of the perks of self-production is that you are less worried about making typos and other errors as you can easily reprint, or not care, without feeling like you wasted good money on something that now needs to live in a box under your bed for the rest of your years.

One of the pistachio coloured prints from the show I really liked- grabs you by the eye… balls.

One of the decisions I did give some thought to was the colour of paper for the zine. I had printed the visual works for the show as risographs, and many of them had been in coloured paper and then presented in coloured frames. I felt like the zine deserved a pop of colour too. So I selected a salmon pink colour, and a lime/acid green colour. These were similar to my two favourite paper colours from the show- salmon and pistachio. The acid green is maybe a bit hard on the eyes for reading, but it is really impactful and packs a punch behind the black images.

Garbage Portents Zine in acid green
Garbage Portents Zine in salmon pink

In an ideal world I would have produced this zine by risograph as well, but my budget wasn’t quite able to go that far. The packs of paper I bought were super low cost, and in already having access to the photocopier I was able to produce the zines very, very cheaply. I stitch bind them on a sewing machine at home, and my back-up go-to is a long reach stapler. Welcome to lo-fi town.

Hand stitched detailing on the zine.
More eye friendly salmon pink

Overall I am pleased with how the zines turned out. They won’t have a huge reach, but it felt like a milestone for me in terms of producing a zine with my own creative writing included. I might even submit some of my poems to some online poetry zines, once I’ve had a bit more practice, or maybe it’s just something I do for my own practice. Either way it has felt like a poignant moment for me, expanding what I do, building my confidence to continue writing, and feeling less and less pigeonholed by my own work. Win/win.

KEY FACTS ABOUT THE ZINE!

It’s 36 pages cover to cover.

The title came from a conversation about bad omens where I described everything I had seen as ‘garbage portents’.

It contains 10 poems- and some of them have bad language- soz.

Erm, that’s it.

For those who are interested, you can buy the zine here. I do ship internationally!

Thanks for reading, as always.

Jenny 🙂

Why I stopped drawing and other sad stories.

the worry mouse worries about drawing.

DRAWING!

Why I stopped drawing and other sad stories.

It’s actually quite a short story- because I realised I wasn’t as good as other people! Goodnight!

boo hoo right? Quit before you feel worse. 

THE SAD HISTORY OF AVERSION

I used to draw all the time from childhood onwards, and could mostly draw things accurately by the time I was in high school (faces being an exception here of course, the proportions of the human face were not what my 16 year old self wanted to master, but I sure did enjoy drawing eyelashes). I had a reasonable enough skill level to get into art school with my portfolio, and so, it wasn’t all bad. But in 1st year of art school I embarked upon SERIOUS DRAWING CLASSES, and these, I did not enjoy. The lack of enjoyment stemmed from two things- looking at the work of more skilled students in my class, and the cryptic advice (‘don’t draw the space, draw around the space! don’t draw what’s there draw what’s not there!’, ’Okay… thanks I guess I’ll start again? Okay… yeah I will’). It’s weird, drawing in front of other people, I probably needed to get over myself, but I was 18 years old and my self confidence required the setting of a darkened bar, not a brightly lit studio with a life model shrivelling climate. 

I think what I was never going to master was realism. I understood scale, composition, but I couldn’t replicate the structured set-ups in the same way some of my classmates could. One of the worst experiences I had was trying to draw a stack of ladders. I struggled for soooo long that the tutor brought me a taxidermy bird to draw instead. Not sure if it was a gesture of kindness or condescension but there you go. Confidence was le crushed. To compound this, instead of doggedly keeping going, I stopped drawing. Completely (well, bar story boards from my crappy short films). Part of this was due to the fact I selected a specialism which did not require drawing classes, so I heaved a sigh of relief and didn’t draw in an academic environment again. 

me pretending nothing but photography exists in my art practice

I can look at this two ways- in one version I put aside the development of my drawing skills to focus on developing new skills, some of which I possessed in embryonic form already and were allowed to flourish with the correct facilities and tutelage. But sometimes I feel like I put on a set of blinkers and just shut down a whole side of art-making and my art practice. My drawings weren’t ‘good’ so I stopped. But what was ‘good’? In my own instincts I know when something is ‘good’ or ‘bad’, but I think I didn’t allow myself to get better. I can see myself now, standing there, holding the pencil tightly, trying to get it ‘right’. I was tense AF, and my drawings probably reflected that. Tight, so excruciatingly tight. You can see it- imagine a drawing of some ladders painfully rendered with a 2H pencil, by an anxious teen sweating out last night’s vodka. Yeah- you’d give up too just from looking at that. 

VALIDATION SESSION #6423476

I should have listened to the advice people around me imparted about ‘loosening up’ my drawing with various techniques (things I actually do now, how embarrassing for my former self). Techniques such as- tape your pencil to the end of a massive stick! Fit it all into the page no matter what! Use one line only!! But I was thrown off balance by this whole experience of ‘not good’ (in time I will also detail some of the other reasons I did not utilise my time at art school as successfully as I should have, but let’s focus on this dung heap for now). 

A few years ago I had a mentor as part of a funded project (thank you Anne!), and she pointed out to me (after my paranoiac rambling about not being good at drawing etc) that the collages I had been making were a form of drawing. It resonated with me for two reasons- it validated that what I was doing was of some value (was it ‘good’ though???), but also exposed the fact that some of the mechanisms of drawing- composition, scale etc- were right there, in my work. Basics for art making, first encountered in drawing, of course they were there! I had even labelled some of my collages ‘sketches’ prior to this encounter, of my own volition, without feeling idiotic for doing so. 

It’s perturbing sometimes when you take a step back, to see how deeply entrenched a lack of confidence in yourself and your work can be. Practicing art can feel so fragile at times, and in dark moments very small slights, or failures can be enough to snuff your drive for significant periods.

WHAT’S GOOD?

At this point, re-reading the previous paragraphs, I noticed the important undercurrent in this entire ramble- WHY was it SO IMPORTANT that I was GOOD at drawing?

Because, dear reader, I had bought into the notion that to be an artist, and to be a good artist, you need to be good at drawing. Eek. 

How. Embarrassing. Right? Or?

me looking at graphs of the kind of art people buy

It makes me think of one of the first lectures I attended at art school where the lecturer said ‘if you tell someone you go to art school and they ask you what you paint- tell them to fuck off!’ I mean I was taught this straight up from day one, but I still bought significant shares in the notion that ‘artistness’ was tied up with notions of being excellent at drawing and painting (I was also scared away from serious pursuit of painting after a two week stint but that’s ANOTHER sad story I shall spare you here… for now….). I think this notion has followed me around in one form or another, but really raised its head again after being away from the academic environment, out in the big world. After a hiatus from art-making during a foray into a non-studio based postgraduate degree, I tried to recapture my practice about 5 years after graduating. This was *HARD*, I had completely changed how I wanted to work, and had no real sense of direction. A deep reticence about making anything ensued and I crept into a cycle of note-taking, collecting, stunted attempts at making, and then retreating into inertia. I told myself my practice was ‘research based’, which actually just meant lots of reading and avoiding making. I don’t hate the work I did manage to squeeze out in this period, but I was really trying to find my feet, and it felt like the floor was covered in inner-critic (we’ll come back to THEM) shaped marbles. Interacting with people outside art circles doesn’t add to confidence either, a lot of people more broadly equate ‘good art’ and being an artist with drawing, painting and realism. People like what they like! Right? That’s fine! But if you don’t fit into this mould, or this worldview, and are lacking confidence/direction and you STILL want to endeavour to be an artist, you need to find a safe space to develop, even just in your own head. 

But how? 

You know, I actually followed one of the most insensitive and yet probably accurate pieces of advice I have ever received about making work and the problems it entails- ‘you just have to do it’. 

just do it Jenny :/

INSERT NIKE SWOOSH

I’m now going to tell a really predictable story about when I started drawing again… LOCKDOWN 2020! Wow, very original. But yes, I did in fact pick up a pencil (charcoal actually) and start drawing again. Probably just before the pandemic really took hold, but around that time. Cute lockdown hobby! Groan. At least it wasn’t sourdough. Anyway- in order to get over the immense blockage that was preventing me from drawing (I am my own road block, this is a recurring theme so enjoy), I required two things. Some friendly drawing materials (charcoal, soft pencils), copious paper (newsprint sketchbook), no pressure (we are all maybe going to die v soon?), and some support. The support was key. I work on a collaborative project with a close friend, and they offered me a safe, non judgmental space to start drawing again. This friend was adamant that nothing had to be ‘good’, and it should even be actively avoided. My drawing was looser, more comfortably naive, more fluid, expressive and actually really enjoyable. I mean, I’m not entering a drawing prize any time soon, nor have I even really shared my drawings with many people (and especially not my main instagram account which is focused on a very specific kind of work, and I wouldn’t want to upset the cart that Zuck built). But I really take pleasure in drawing. I draw quickly, and move on from anything I’m not happy with, not dwelling on why it went wrong for ages just going going going. Liberating! Joyous! Okay, I obviously still suffer from frustration and fear, but it’s not preventing me from trying, and deriving actual enjoyment from the process itself. 

Before I started drawing again I was getting really frustrated with how flat my work was. Flat, flat, flaaaaaaaat. But bringing drawing back into my practice made me immediately more adventurous. In fact, since the initial draft of this blog I have brought my drawing into several larger projects, and I even hung some up in my studio where people actually see it! And no, no-one has laughed or been sick to my knowledge. I’ve even included pieces with my drawings in two exhibitions. Who is she??

I suppose this exploration of my drawing anxiety is part of a larger issue- how to build and sustain confidence in your work as an artist out there in the big, bad world. Some people have innate confidence in themselves and their work, and I’d love to hold onto something like that, like a solid state of being, something immovable, but I am not in that place yet. I’d like to be the Castle in the Desert.

image credit: sighswoon

It’s been ten years since I stepped away from art making and it’s been a bumpy journey to get myself back to a point where I can call myself an artist and not feel like someone will pop out from behind a pillar and yell ‘no you’re not!’ (imposter syndrome is a career must, guys) and I have to immediately concede and jump into the sewer. It hasn’t been linear, but being able to swallow my pride and be willing to re-engage with drawing has been a big part of strengthening my confidence. I was allowing myself to be pigeon-holed as a ‘collage artist’ when really I’d prefer to operate freely under the more general banner of ‘artist’. Identity crisis! How novel. But flexibility is something I really wanted to cultivate. Today my work ranges across mediums from textiles, photography, digital work and, more recently, written texts. The confinement of the label ‘COLLAGE ARTIST’ only existed in my own mind, one of those ‘the cage door was open all along’ type moments. There are issues however when it comes to sharing DiFfErEnT work on my social media channels, but that’s something to explore in more detail later (algorithm diaries, the serialisation no-one needed).

I never feel like I’ve resolved anything when it comes to my practice, but I suppose that’s the point. It is forever a work in progress. 

Are you an artist who has had a difficult relationship with drawing? Am I just a crybaby who needs to sharpen their 2B and shut up? Let me know below!

Thanks for reading, as always

Jenny 🙂

Omens pt 2

Parx Show June/July 2022 and collage digressions

Parx Cafe installation view



For some time I have been aiming to shift the direction of the collage element of my practice. I wanted to, among other things, create more depth in my compositions, and introduce more elements of my own creation (photographs/drawings). I felt a bit trapped by the sometimes repetitive nature of my high-colour, vintage looking collage pieces- and for a time I couldn’t really stand to look at these works.



A really busy early Corvid Eyes era piece.



I feel less like this now, but also recognise that dissatisfaction is a driver for me to keep creating. I would probably be a bit worried if I made some works or a work I was completely happy with… what would keep me going? I think that’s a fairly generic refrain from artists generally. Sometimes looking at old work is like looking at old photographs of yourself, and your response is dictated by how kind you are feeling towards yourself in that moment!

The developmental process in my collage works had been moving- predictably- slowly throughout 2021 and into this year. Previously this would have caused me some frustration but I have taken a more relaxed approach to allowing my own ‘process’ to happen. Being overly fixated on how my ideas should arise and be developed is something that has dogged my practice since my undergraduate days. One of the major salves for this particular problem is being around other artists and creators, and see the myriad ways they allow their ideas to ferment, and change.

In early 2022 an opportunity to exhibit arose with a venue in Aberdeen known for its support of local artists and creators- Parx Cafe. I decided to utilise this opportunity to host the first public outing of my ‘new style’. Initially I was quite worried about how I would pull the show together in what felt like a short space of time, but like many other creative types, sometimes I need the fire of a deadline to make me move. For a time I thought about including some quite loose, scribbly, experimental works, but decided my confidence wasn’t high enough for this kind of show, and also, I was mindful that these works would be displayed in a cafe environment to a range of people, so they should suit the space and the overall atmosphere.





The scribbly work that didn’t make the cut (haha collage joke soz).





After the initial stage of ‘oh my god what am/what am I doing/everything is embarrassing’ which is required for every public showing of work, I settled on creating a series of digital collage works which I would present as risograph prints. My thinking was that the show would be summery, the works printed on brightly coloured paper, and hung in hand painted coloured frames. My work can be quite dark, in theme and aesthetically, so this method seemed the perfect antidote to a potentially very gloomy, buzz-kill hang. I think #summergoth might be the most appropriate hashtag here.

Work from ‘Omens’ (2022)

I compiled a collection of twenty or so works, produced in the space of a few weeks. I sometimes find my ‘flow‘ when I’m working on a project and am able to fully embed myself in the process, drying my eyes out for hours on my laptop merrily reworking compositions until I am satisfied (as much as I can be). The theme of the show emerged more concretely as I worked, and was inspired by an earlier series of photographic works I had produced. The set of black and white photographs were taken on my 35mm camera during those mandatory ‘lockdown walks’ of 2020 and 2021. Trudges. Anyway, because of the circumstances of the time I found myself seeking meaning in the things I saw, examining everything as a portentous image. The collage works took a similar bent, incorporating some of my own photographs, alongside my drawings and found imagery (as an aside- a lot of people ask me where I find my imagery for my collages, and it’s an accumulated mass from years of collecting from open source archives, magazines, books… I’m a hoarder of any scrap of paper my brain deems useful).



various collage bits

The works for ‘Omens’ were a departure from previous pieces due to the amount of space I allowed to remain in the compositions, choosing to centre many of the works within a border of negative space. Looking back over works from the preceding couple of years, I can now see that this was the direction my work was moving in, but these compositions solidified this move. I was startled by the effect that space had on the works, giving the selected images space to breathe, instead of taking my usual ‘wunderkammer’ approach to collage, ramming every piece from top to bottom, with no control over my colour palette (I did learn to reign myself in after some very valuable input from a mentor- thank you Anne). Looking at the works it seems like such a simple and obvious change, but in fact it took my a long time to feel bold enough to strip my work back in such a way. Each chosen element holds more emphasis, more power- at least that’s how I came to understand this reorganisation.

Work from ‘Omens’ (2022)



Sometimes my works felt like jumble sales, or those ‘hidden object’ games, providing intrigue in searching and a small joy in finding new features continuously, but I started to feel like the wealth of imagery I was including was obscuring my insecurity in some ways. In the last fews years I have tried to undertake a bit of self-reflection to enhance and develop my practice. This sounds very formal but it actually just involves coffee and staring. But one revelation I did hang onto was why after my photographic based degree I pivoted towards collage. Why did I chose to step away from the production of photographic images for so long? I graduated in 2009 and I probably only started working seriously with photography again in 2016, why did I abandon this tract of my practice?

Like many artists, after the initial rush of post-degree show excitement and some unexpected opportunities, I started to experience real anxiety about being able to sustain the momentum I had built up in my final year of study and the first fruitful months as a new graduate. I remember feeling like my project ideas were becoming more forced and lacking. I felt like I just had to keep taking photos, I had to keep pushing myself. I probably just needed a break. I remember staging really pointless photoshoots and looking at the results knowing they were lame. Outside the environment of the art school, with group crits and studio mates, I stumbled into a weird vacuum. It’s very easy as a result to lose confidence in your own abilities, the direction of your practice- yay, identity crisis! I’ve also easily slid into being a cheerleader for the careers of others and significantly neglecting my own- but that’s a whole other story!



Early collage work (2009)



Collage became a new fixture for me in the autumn of 2009. I found some interesting open-source books on a trip to London and was really excited to try out some compositions. The ‘Une Semaine de Bonté‘ phase! Collage, as a method, wasn’t new to me, so it felt safe. A safe way to explore ideas without the feeling of exposure photography was giving me (wait- is that a photography pun? sorry). Looking back now I understand that it was a feeling of my ideas, or lack of them, being exposed, which didn’t make me feel very good either. Collage was also a way to circumvent drawing in creating works. Drawing was something I had left behind, with a similar ill feeling, in my early years at art school- and probably warrants a deeper exploration, so I’ll save that for another post (the anticipation! for no-one!).



Early collage work ‘Consumption 02’ (2009)



Against the rather uncertain origins of focusing my practice on collage, the ‘Omens’ show represents for me, a positive step towards feeling more comfortable within my own practice (but not too comfortable- also dangerous). Including my own photographs and drawings allowed me to claim a greater sense of authorship over my works (which may seem counterintuitive as they are still my works), and create a new, stronger aesthetic for the show.

Work from ‘Omens’ (2022)



The works are also an attempt to make visible my attempts at creating my own visual language. I didn’t want to impose any particular reading of the individual pieces, but instead leave them open for the viewer to decipher using their own memory bank of symbols, signifiers and meaning imbued in the mundane. While researching themes for this show I came across this Joan Didion quote which embodies this idea quite specifically, but succinctly,

Survivors look back and see omens, messages they missed. They remember the tree that died, the gull that splattered onto the hood of the car. They live by symbols. They read meaning into the barrage of spam on the unused computer, the delete key that stops working, the imagined abandonment in the decision to replace it.”



Work from ‘Omens’ (2022)



In the creation of these works I had tuned into this idea of messages, of seeking meaning in the mundane, of how memory is created, of how we react to the barrage of visual stimuli we encounter every day, consciously and subconsciously. Our minds are well versed in collage, pulling together disparate elements all the time, particularly when we dream. Whilst working, the combinations of images and materials I selected occurred to me often very intuitively, in a dreamlike way, and I tried not to overly question why I chose this image to accompany that, etc. On one hand this sounds kind of flip or ill considered, but I have, for a long time, been genuinely interested in the role of the subconscious in art making, and how I will have deep associations within my own mind between image and memory, image and sensation etc. I tried not to fight against that while I was working and engage too much with my over-active critical mind, saving that portion for the work selection stage.

Work from ‘Omens’ (2022)



I enjoyed the process of creating this series of works, even if I put myself under pressure initially. I was pleased how they fitted into the bright, airy space at Parx, and that my vision for a colourful summer show came together without looking too much like a rainbow exploded. I’m very grateful for the opportunity to showcase my work, particularly during a stage of transition in my practice. It always feels like a risk to show work that is a departure from what came before, particularly in the instagram age. For artists it can feel like a huge knock to share works that are going in a new direction and face a significant drop in engagement and reach as a result (that’s before we factor in the capriciousness of the algorithm). It almost felt better to share the new works in a physical space than an online one- because I am oblivious to how people respond, or don’t, to the works. I suppose you can judge success in sales, or online shares, but you are largely removed from the process of audience engagement outwith the space. This is a blessing for me during the upheaval of turning my practice in a new direction. Years of exhibition space invigilation have rendered me resilient to off the cuff comments about my work, or harsh interrogation, but there are times when you feel more vulnerable. Like a crab shedding it’s skin for a new one, there’s a period when it’s incredibly vulnerable- and that’s where I am right now. And it feels like an okay place to be.



Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this, or to visit the show 🙂

Until next time-



Jenny