#reading – DRAFT EXCLUDER

So this week I finished my current audiobook listen: ‘A Cigarette Lit Backwards‘ by Tea Hacic-Vlahovic.

I enjoyed the audiobook version so much that I wish I had chosen this version for her first book ‘Life of the Party’ (actually it’s not available in English, only Italian, good reason to learn). Having Hacic-Vlahovic reading the text was like having a friend telling you stories and secrets, unlike reading it in a monotone in my own head (jokes I don’t really do that. But as an aside I once read that not everyone ‘reads aloud’ in their head when reading a book and quite frankly I was disturbed. But then I learned that not everyone has a near constant monologue in their own head… not that I have that… no…).

Anyway back to the book! I really enjoyed this teenage whirlwind, coming-of-age tale, set in the early 2000s. Thankfully due to my own age (no spoilers) I was well versed in a lot of the cultural references, and it engendered a combination of nostalgia and relief in me that I am no longer living in that era! Although… pre social media as we know it… tempting…. I never even had MySpace! lol.

The book reminded me of the intoxicatingly violent headiness of being a teenager. The impulsiveness, the intensity and depth of emotion, the swaying from ‘fuck it’ to ‘who am I what am I doing’. The gross perils of navigating your first forays in romantic entanglements with others, the abuses of power that seem to come naturally to so many. The all or nothing dynamic of relationships/friendships- just sheer intensity, stirred up with hormones, mixed with a determined rebelliousness against… well, most things.

Similar to living in the early 00’s (would you like to experience more misogyny than today?) I don’t think I miss my teenage years (heck no), and like the main character Kat, I hated school. I couldn’t wait to leave and get onto the next stage of my life. To stop being treated like a child, to not be a child. Kat fights the good fight of teen rebellion in a self-assured way that my 15 year old self would have been in awe of. I’ve always said that teen girls (having been one) are one of the most dangerous, potent forces on the planet and this book does little to contradict this. Kat is a force, and although prey to the same insecurities and doubts that every teen suffers, she rebounds in ways that I (in my decrepitude) was delighted and rallied by. I was cheering Kat on, I wanted to hug her, and I wanted, more than anything, to go clothes shopping with her. Teen dream!

It reminded me of the Bikini Kill song, ‘Rebel Girl’:

When she talks, I hear the revolution
In her hips, there’s revolution
When she walks, the revolution’s coming
In her kiss, I taste the revolution

Rebel girl, rebel girl
I know I wanna take you home
I wanna try on your clothes, uh

The book is propelled by the snowball effect of decisions, even small ones, at that time of life, and the ways they can lead you down unexpected, or ultimately doomed paths. One minute you’re being led gently by the hand, the next fate punches you in the gut, right? But it also reminds you of the possibilities in life, of making different choices, of staying true to yourself (too cheesy? there’s a lot of grilled cheese in this book so it’s on my mind), and of *namaste betches* rebirth!

Also enjoyed the observations of the trappings of small-town mindsets (heaven help us), and the conformity that is sometimes embedded in subcultures, even those based in non-conformity (ew you like that band? ew you’re wearing that?). It also reminded me of the joy of finding others that think like you, and the inevitable betrayals when people turn out to be more (or less) than you thought. Teen years are the Everest of learning curves and this book, at times painfully, documents the torment of internal and external struggles reaching an apex. I always thought the next part was the most exciting- taking all that and using it to shape yourself into an individual. This book is steeped in that sense of possibility and it is a welcome reminder that that feeling exists, on different scales, in our lives well beyond our teen years.

I would recommend this book to anyone who was an alt teen in the 00s and anyone who wasn’t- what’s the point of reading if you don’t take the chance to see through someone else’s eyes and expand your thinking. Sermon over.

That girl thinks she’s the queen of the neighbourhood
I got news for you, she is!

Making

This week I have been working with my Cannibal Cubs collaborator to make a new piece for an upcoming group show. The deadline is pretty tight, so things have to happen QUICK!

I feel like I’m quite behind on some projects, not sure why, motivation has been a bit low, and energy even lower. I sometimes think the change of the seasons, particularly into autumn, leaves me feeling a bit drained. Hoping things pick up- either that or maybe I’ll just hibernate. Done deal.

Have an upcoming trip to Edinburgh so will aim to share some of my cultural/photographic highlights!

Thanks for reading

J 🙂

I wanted to start a regular series of blogs where I take a brief(!) look at what I’ve been making/reading/thinking about in the current week. I haven’t quite established a rhythm for this process but figure it’s better to be looser in my approach and see how it develops. That way there’s no pressure for me nor disappointment for you! Maybe?

Making

We’ll start with making. What have I been making this week?

A paper work I created this week while annoyed.

I’ve been trying to remember to play about more with paper based collages, rather than always opening my laptop to work. The piece above is a black and white paper collage I put together fairly quickly, just using the scraps lying about on my desk. I’ve recycled a fair bit of imagery from previous experiments, but I sometimes I have favourite images or scraps that I keep coming back to- I think if something ‘speaks’ to me it warrants an attempt at inclusion.

Thematically I’ve been very deep in a phase of monochromatic work. I sometimes think with my practice that I take an ‘all or nothing’ mentality and I either want a very vibrant colour palette with lots and LOTS of different tones, or I want absolutely no colour at all. I think sometimes this reflects my mood while I am making. I think I was quite annoyed when I working on this experiment, and was using the process as an opportunity to try to soothe myself a bit, or try to work something out. Getting lost in process is sometimes exactly what you need to distract you from how you are feeling- I’ve mentioned ‘flow‘ before and it’s one of the best ways to get out of my own head. Although equally I’ve experienced (as we all have) moments where distraction isn’t possible.

I enjoyed making this quick piece anyway, overthinking aside.

Reading

This week I’ve finished two books by Natalia Ginzburg

Firstly

I raced through this book, an exploration of complicated family dynamics and a failed romance, set against the backdrop of Post-War Italy. I am always amazed and delighted by authors who find ways to express the subtleties and intricacies of complicated interpersonal relationships and the feelings they engender. It’s a great skill to translate the intensity of even fleeting emotional states, that can be hard to put into words. I came across Ginzburg by way of Rachel Cusk (she wrote the introduction to the version of Ginzburg’s ‘The Little Virtues‘, and a piece on Ginzberg in her essay collection ‘Coventry‘), a more recent addition to my list of favourite authors. I’m also currently listening (well, not RIGHT now) to the audiobook version of Cusk’s ‘The Bradshaw Variations‘, having worked my way through pretty much her entire back catalogue in print and audio. It would be hard to pick a favourite from her novels, but I really, really enjoyed the Outline Trilogy (I try to post links to buy things from places other the Jeff but struggled to find a site selling the complete trilogy as a set) and Second Place.

Cusk is another author that skewers the complexities of human emotion in a way that I am stimulated by, and grateful for. I sometimes find myself unable to accurately translate my own emotions into written words or speech, and more recently I have come to recognise and appreciate that my own work strives to create a visual language of sorts for me. I feel the same level of awe about the works of Melissa Broder and Deborah Levy also, another two authors I adore. I even DM’d Broder to tell her how much I loved her book The Pisces– don’t cringe too hard y’all!

After being unable to read for pleasure for a long time (academic study can do you like that), I do feel like in the last few years (2020 became a boom time for my reading) I have been very lucky to discover authors previously unknown to me, who have opened up whole new vocabularies of feeling and ways to begin to translate the tumult of both inner and external worlds. It seems to me that there are often feelings or thoughts that have fuzzy edges, that are hard to scrutinise or dissect, or that flash across your mind too quickly to see solidly in the daylight. I think in some instances good works of art can help you to recognise previously unseen, or unrecognised parts of yourself, or others. Art has the capacity to make existence feel less lonely- a good book can feel like a huge comfort during times where you feel uncertain or off balance.

During several instances in my life where I have experienced periods of upheaval or transition I have turned to books and reading as a sanctuary of resilience. During one such instance I was lucky enough to discover another two authors whose work I have continued to follow religiously- Olivia Laing and Cat Marnell. I particularly enjoy autobiographical audiobooks read by the author, such as those by Marnell. It’s like having a friend tell you stories, keeping you company in literal and metaphorical dark times. I might even do a separate post about my favourite autobiographies! Sit tight.

Back to this weeks reading- I also finished ‘The Dry Heart’ by Natalia Ginzburg.

In a similar vein to ‘Voices in the Evening’ this quick-fire book also explores family relationship dynamics, and principally, the trajectory of a doomed marriage. One of the reviews on the back cover describes the book as a ‘Roman candle’ – short and explosive. I would agree! I read this book in a couple of sittings and found it hard to put down. I was almost hesitant to start this book as I knew it would be a highly emotive read, but despite the inevitable tragedy that unfolds, I was gripped. At times it was a claustrophobic, intense read, but I was fully immersed, leaving the book feeling more incensed than saddened. I will continue my quest to read Ginzburg’s other works, and feel they will come to hold a solid place in my library, and already I anticipate revisiting them.

I don’t really want to shape these ‘weekly posts’ into pseudo book reviews- I don’t think I can be succinct enough to provide that. I think when I try to do that I start sounding forced, and feel I need to write in a particular way, with a particular vocabulary. It also brings back memories of writing book reports about Nancy Drew novels when I was at primary school. That would maybe be more compelling? But what I would like to achieve is to demonstrate the ways in which a weekly array of stimuli feeds into my practice. This is useful for myself also, as I can start to link together what seems like disparate influences, prompting me to seek new experiences or materials each week.

To round off, whilst gathering links for this post I came across a review of Cusk’s collected essays ‘Coventry’:

Frequently, these present dense, distracted thickets of inner dialogue that are not always easy to penetrate

I think I enjoy the thickets, and it’s probably why I seek such works out, to try to hack my way through the density of my own inner life. Introspection or self reflexive works aren’t for everyone, but I think I’m probably drawn authors like Cusk, Ginzburg etc to expand my emotional vocabulary and engender a deeper understanding of my own inner world. My emotional life is closely tied to my artistic output, more than I realised, and consequently I will continue to seek out other works that gift me an appreciation of the multitudinous, contradictory, and shifting nature of my own mind, and the world more widely.

I’ll finish with a potted version of my current reading wish list- titles which may or may not feature in future posts:

Notes on Shapeshifting- Gabi Abrão– I’ve always enjoyed Gabi’s meditative, embodied instagram.

A Cigarette Lit Backwards- Tea Hacic-Vlahovic (going for audio version of this as it’s read by the author- another fave).

Super Infinite- Katherine Rundell– fun fact- I liked the metaphysical poets.

Miss Dior- Justine Picardie– I enjoy biography as we know… and, another fun fact, I particularly enjoy a fashion related one. Earlier this year I listened to The Chiffon Trenches by André Leon Talley (now sadly passed), and really enjoyed it, particularly his impressions of Karl Lagerfeld.

This list will continue to expand and grow- I get a lot of joy from knowing the sheer wealth of interesting books that await. It’s the little things.

Until next time.

Thanks for reading!

Jenny 🙂

Tag: #reading

This week in review

This week- September 2022